The life and times of Merry Khaos and her alter-ego, Kristie Grey. A romp through the inner workings of a mind in roller derby athletics, training, and business management.
Even those of us who train hard and crave power and strength have times where we wonder why we work so hard. Is that extra rep worth it? Is that extra lifting session going to change anything?
Even we who struggle to change the discourse of beauty, and strive to shift the world’s gaze on women wonder if we’re beautiful. Does he not like me more because I’m not a skinny model? Am I too boyish to be seen with in public? Would he talk to me more if my cup size was bigger? Would he want to be my boyfriend if I was pretty like that other girl? Would he be less ashamed if I was more timid?
Even when confidence is at its peak and we know we can conquer the world, that voice in our head tries to belittle us. You can’t do it. You won’t do it. Look at you failing. You’re about to fail. No one wants you. No one trusts you. You’re defective. You won’t get it right. You’re making the wrong choices again. You’ll always be a failure. You’ll always lose. You’ll always be alone. You’re not girlfriend material. You’re too dumb. Too lazy. Too ugly. Too slow. Too clumsy. Too weak.
When every doubt comes at us with the speed and force of a bullet train, we must overcome.
We must trust ourselves to make the right decision when a new situation arises.
We must believe that we are greater than our fears.
We must persevere in the face of failure and doubt.
We must understand that we are desirable and beautiful. That the last rep is worth it. That our speed is greater than our mind can comprehend. That our passion is worthy.
And we must know that if the rest of the world doesn’t see that now, one day they will. That day, when we join the Giants we have been stretching for all of our lives? That will be the sweetest day we have ever known. At least, until we reach the next marker.
Strength and courage. Maybe I’m not the prettiest, or the thinnest; I’m not the strongest or the fastest either. I am me. And this I am working on accepting fully. Thank you Quick Draw Photography for the photo
I posted on my Facebook a hint of our Saturday bout. I promised to write about it. I have gotten out of my own way and finally am writing.
Saturday was big for me. I had my Penn State commencement ceremony at the Giant Center in the morning. At night, Dutchland had a double header scheduled. Cape Fear Roller Girls were coming to play the All Stars. This was going to be my first game where I got to be in a fuller rotation. This was going to be the first time my attendance and injury was not going to get in my way. It was also going to be the first time in my 4 seasons that I would have any family member there to watch me.
And it wasn’t just one. It was eight of them.
I was more nervous about the bout than I was about walking in graduation. (Though, we’ve all seen me walk, so maybe the nerves should have been shifted to the morning.) I have heard so many stories of “My family never came to see me and then when they did I tore my _________”
There was also the factor of pride. I hate admitting it, but I was putting pressure on myself to prove to my family that I ‘deserve’ to play roller derby. Whenever I hear of others seeking approval for their passion, I react negatively, and it wasn’t until the day of the bout that I understood that I was doing the same thing. However, yes. I wanted to show them that I haven’t just been skating left and having fun for the past three and a half years. That I have working on an athletic endeavor that has made me the woman that I am today.
Pushing against Black Rose – Photo by JPaden Photography
Not only that – I wanted to show that I was finally GOOD at a highly-intense sport. The theatre girl who was good at slow pitch softball and mediocre at soccer is actually really good at this.
My body was not completely on board with my plan.
As I left the Giant Center floor, climbing the steps to the main concourse in my cap and gown, I felt my knee become tight. We had just spent 3 hours sitting with our feet on sport court that was laid directly on ice, after all. I had to use the restroom before getting pictures (You know, all that hydration) and I made my way against the crowd to do so. I made a move to avoid an oncoming walker and couldn’t. They bumped me just enough that my foot slid on a little wet spot on the ground (damn you dress shoes) and my knee popped.
&*$#!
Look! Proof I was there
I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t put any pressure on it. I was in the middle of the Giant Center with a dead cell phone, half way between the bathroom and the doors to the outside world. This moment was defining. For the first time, I had to deal with this injury all by myself. I didn’t have Matt there to help me. I didn’t have anyone. So I hopped (literally) into the bathroom, tried to straighten it out (which hurt like a MOTHER) and then realized that if I bent my knee –I could put full pressure on my leg.
PERFECT!! I’m not against looking silly after all.
I low walked out of the bathroom (for those of you who don’t know what a low walk is, it’s half-way between a lunge and a walk) and down the main concourse and out into the light of the afternoon where I met my family for photos. They were very surprised to see me as I was, and unconvinced that I’d be on skates in a few hours.
“Nah. This happened a couple weeks ago. I’ll be ok!”
We parted ways.
You can’t see it – but I’m actually squatting here.
I went home, not to take a nap as I truly had intended, but to go to work on my knee.
I could have given in and said that I was too weak to play. I could have avoided the nerves and the pressure and said, “I’m sorry. I’m injured.”
But I’m tired of limiting myself. This injury was a representation of the upper limit problems I have put on myself my whole life. No more would I let outside factors decide how I am going to live my life or play my game.
I came home and spent 3 hours stretching, applying ice & heat, elevating and pushing my body to understand the pain and adjust to it. I took in a lot of protein, lots of water, lots of anti-inflammatory foods, and circulation supplements (like Herbalifeline and Niteworks). I made a plan to get arnica on my way to the rink when my knee was not ‘popped back into place’. I also planned on asking team mate Treasure Chest to borrow her capsaicin for my knee. I also knew I was going to have to go to the gym before getting to the rink to do some weights to try and loosen everything up.
I would not let this defeat me. I got in my car, took a deep breath of spring air, put my “Going Rogue” mix on loud and drove away
I’m getting all amped up thinking about being on a rock wall tonight.
Last weekend I got to attend the Frostbite Competition at Climbnasium in the no man’s land between Mechanicsburg and Carlisle, PA. Right after high school, I had discovered my love of climbing and for a while I was going 3 – 5 times a week.
I fell away from climbing when I let my life overwhelm me. I became more concerned with unhealthy pieces of life than the healthy ones. I made excuses: I cannot find the money, I cannot find the time, I don’t want to drive that far.
Honestly the reason was: I did not believe I was good enough to deserve having something in my life that I love.
Fast forward six years. I am a Health Coach. I’m 3.5 years deep into roller derby. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man that I’m hoping will let me stick around. I have a nice car. I have a great relationship with my family again. I am almost done school. I am allowing myself to be happy. I have come to realize that there is no such thing as “I don’t deserve”.
We are all worthy of happiness. We are all good enough. We tell ourselves otherwise because maybe we’re afraid of being happy on our own. Maybe we are embarrassed of where we are in our life. Maybe we had failed at something and we feel that we should be punished for it.
A punishment, simply for punishment’s sake, is unnecessary. All it does is make you feel more down about yourself. A punishment that furthers your goals – that can be beneficial. (For example, “I didn’t do my morning workout.” Don’t punish yourself by skipping a meal. Do a punishment of completing an evening workout and stay on the elliptical an extra 10 minutes.)
Know that you control your strength and your future. If you don’t believe you do, or if you just scoffed and said “Yea right. Nothing is in my control.” I completely understand. It’s very easy to be a victim to our circumstances. Don’t allow it. Change your mindset. Know that you are stronger than your situation. Decide to rise above it.
Does that mean taking a good, hard, honest look at yourself? Yes. Self-discovery is part of the long, hard road to success and changing your life. Step 1 is being able to say that you really want to change; that you’re really willing to commit to happiness and a positive mindset. You have to be ready to believe that you deserve that hobby. That love of another person. That cup of coffee.
You have to believe in yourself as much as the rest of us believe in you. On this Valentine’s Day, it’s not just romantic love that can be celebrated. Let’s celebrate our love of who we are. If you don’t love who you are, this is your chance to change it.
A belief is only something we keep telling ourselves. A belief is only something you made up in your head. It is your choice to make up something positive or negative. It your move to make.
For me, I choose the positive. I choose water with aloe and feeding my body what it needs. I choose enjoying my hobbies and pushing my body and my mind past the limits I had previously set for myself. I choose success. I choose health. I choose love.
I have chosen to look at the bad things I have done in the past and to forgive myself for them. I have chosen to take responsibility of the things I have or have not done, and the hurt I may have caused others and myself. I have chosen to accept certain idiosyncrasies about myself that are not negative as I thought. I chose to change my situation, to change my outlook. I choose better.
Tonight .. I choose rock climbing! (You can keep your wine and roses)
What do you choose?
Joy and friends. By NUVO Photography
I just signed up for an Instagram! You should follow me at KristieGrey
Khaos Theory Derby 