Tag: pain

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Saturday, Part 1: The Graduation and Injury

I posted on my Facebook a hint of our Saturday bout. I promised to write about it. I have gotten out of my own way and finally am writing.

Saturday was big for me. I had my Penn State commencement ceremony at the Giant Center in the morning. At night, Dutchland had a double header scheduled. Cape Fear Roller Girls were coming to play the All Stars. This was going to be my first game where I got to be in a fuller rotation. This was going to be the first time my attendance and injury was not going to get in my way. It was also going to be the first time in my 4 seasons that I would have any family member there to watch me.

And it wasn’t just one. It was eight of them.

I was more nervous about the bout than I was about walking in graduation. (Though, we’ve all seen me walk, so maybe the nerves should have been shifted to the morning.) I have heard so many stories of “My family never came to see me and then when they did I tore my _________”

There was also the factor of pride. I hate admitting it, but I was putting pressure on myself to prove to my family that I ‘deserve’ to play roller derby. Whenever I hear of others seeking approval for their passion, I react negatively, and it wasn’t until the day of the bout that I understood that I was doing the same thing. However, yes. I wanted to show them that I haven’t just been skating left and having fun for the past three and a half years. That I have working on an athletic endeavor that has made me the woman that I am today.

Pushing against Black Rose - Photo by JPaden Photography
Pushing against Black Rose – Photo by JPaden Photography

Not only that – I wanted to show that I was finally GOOD at a highly-intense sport. The theatre girl who was good at slow pitch softball and mediocre at soccer is actually really good at this.

My body was not completely on board with my plan.

As I left the Giant Center floor, climbing the steps to the main concourse in my cap and gown, I felt my knee become tight. We had just spent 3 hours sitting with our feet on sport court that was laid directly on ice, after all. I had to use the restroom before getting pictures (You know, all that hydration) and I made my way against the crowd to do so. I made a move to avoid an oncoming walker and couldn’t. They bumped me just enough that my foot slid on a little wet spot on the ground (damn you dress shoes) and my knee popped.

&*$#!

Look! Proof I was there
Look! Proof I was there

I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t put any pressure on it. I was in the middle of the Giant Center with a dead cell phone, half way between the bathroom and the doors to the outside world. This moment was defining. For the first time, I had to deal with this injury all by myself. I didn’t have Matt there to help me. I didn’t have anyone. So I hopped (literally) into the bathroom, tried to straighten it out (which hurt like a MOTHER) and then realized that if I bent my knee –I could put full pressure on my leg.

PERFECT!! I’m not against looking silly after all.

I low walked out of the bathroom (for those of you who don’t know what a low walk is, it’s half-way between a lunge and a walk) and down the main concourse and out into the light of the afternoon where I met my family for photos. They were very surprised to see me as I was, and unconvinced that I’d be on skates in a few hours.

“Nah. This happened a couple weeks ago. I’ll be ok!”

We parted ways.

You can't see it - but I'm actually squatting here.
You can’t see it – but I’m actually squatting here.

I went home, not to take a nap as I truly had intended, but to go to work on my knee.

I could have given in and said that I was too weak to play. I could have avoided the nerves and the pressure and said, “I’m sorry. I’m injured.”

But I’m tired of limiting myself. This injury was a representation of the upper limit problems I have put on myself my whole life. No more would I let outside factors decide how I am going to live my life or play my game.

I came home and spent 3 hours stretching, applying ice & heat, elevating and pushing my body to understand the pain and adjust to it. I took in a lot of protein, lots of water, lots of anti-inflammatory foods, and circulation supplements (like Herbalifeline and Niteworks). I made a plan to get arnica on my way to the rink when my knee was not ‘popped back into place’. I also planned on asking team mate Treasure Chest to borrow her capsaicin for my knee. I also knew I was going to have to go to the gym before getting to the rink to do some weights to try and loosen everything up.

I would not let this defeat me. I got in my car, took a deep breath of spring air, put my “Going Rogue” mix on loud and drove away

TO BE CONTINUED………………

Grad

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Facing down the demons

She awkwardly stands up and moves to the front of the room; standing there for a moment, she shuffles her feet and looks at the floor for a moment. Then, steeling herself, she raises her gaze to the room of people gathered in front of her. These are the people she is supposed to lead and inspire; the people she is supposed to be an example and pillar of strength for.

“Hello, as you know, my name is Kristie,” she croaks.

“Hello, Kristie,” the zombie crowd responds.

She takes a breath. She looks them in the eye: “I am a food addict with a penchant for sweets.”

There. I said it. I have admitted it to the crowd. It is something I struggle with every day. It is something I fight within me. If there is food near me, I will eat it. If there is chocolate, or ice cream, or wine or sweets… I will find a reason to consume it.

For those of you now thinking, “Kristie, why is this a confession? You can eat that stuff! Look at you! You can afford it.”

This means that you are assuming I am eating healthy for the sake of a smaller number on the tags of my dresses. Not for the energy. Not to live longer. Not to be a better athlete. Being thinner is a side effect of being healthy, but it is not the only reward for me.

Being able to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded is a benefit. Not feeling like I have to nap at 3pm every day is amazing. Being at the end of an endurance practice and being able to say, “What? We’re done?” is the best feeling ever.

Nights when the addiction overcomes me is not the best feeling ever: Nights when I succumb to rich foods and chocolate cheesecakes and many glasses of alcohol cause me to make excuses. I say, “It’s ok. It’s vacation.” Or “We’re celebrating” or “It’s just tonight.” Really, the piece in the back of my head I’m saying “You just ate 1000 calories more than you should have.” Or “Your sugar count is off the charts and you didn’t work out hard today.” Or “how are you going to be faster than Burning River eating like that?”

Every day around food is a struggle for me, and most people do not realize it. I drink shakes and uber control my diet through high protein means and with the help of Herbalife. I have to be super strict on myself, not just because of my goals, but because of my habits. And the reason I look the way I do, and perform the way I do is BECAUSE I can control myself [usually]. But if I am lax on myself, and give myself an inch, is that allowing myself to be human or is that skirting responsibility? Does it do me any good to feel nothing but guilt after the fact?

So it comes to it.

I do not want to give myself too much slack, because then I could fall into the habit that I’ve seen other people fall into: They know that their threats are empty. They can eat what they want and not follow their plan and it’s ok. They’ll tell their coach that ‘they’ll do better tomorrow’ and that ‘well, that cake really won’t count.” They constantly fail and they blame the crash diet they were on, or the food they ate. Not themselves.

I will not do that. I will pay the consequences. I have let my addiction get the best of me tonight. It happens. I am human. However, that also means that tomorrow I will be doing an intense workout. As my consequence I will do strength training tomorrow as well as 100 minutes of cardio. Yes. Before we go to the Planetarium.

I will not let this defeat me.

Also, tomorrow my Herbalife shipment should be hitting the condo. (I’m at my parent’s condo visiting my baby sister this weekend) I will be fully stocked with shakes, vitamins, supplements and Hydrate. I will continue to strengthen my knee and my body and work towards my Level 10 body.

I may have been a disappointment today to the people who I am supposed to inspire, but it will not be a status long lived. Water intake, up. Goals set. Motivation ready.

I have a Fit for Summer Challenge starting up April 1 and I cannot wait to change lives. I am so pumped up to help other people who have let their addiction defeat them in the past. I am so excited to show each individual how beautiful they are. If you want in on the challenge, just contact me for info at KGreyActiveNutrition@gmail.com .

I am ready to take over the world with health and motivation. I am ready to conquer my demons. I am ready. The first step is admitting something that I have struggled to come to grips with over the course of my growth: I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sweets. I am addicted, but I am ready to change. I am willing to sacrifice. I am going to overcome and to win….

Are you?

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