The life and times of Merry Khaos and her alter-ego, Kristie Grey. A romp through the inner workings of a mind in roller derby athletics, training, and business management.
Maybe you had never heard of me, until someone posted a blog on your wall, or maybe we’ve played in a mash-up scrimmage together in Morristown, NJ. Perhaps we danced at a H.A.R.D. after party, or you were near me and the Wreckingballs as we did push-ups for Maelstrom at ECDX. Maybe you took one of my classes at RollerCon, or Beat Me Halfway. Maybe you’ve been one of my wellness clients.
Or maybe you’re just hearing of me now.
Photo by Mr McWheely
I coach, write, ref, announce, and skate (when I’m not off-skates for this ACL injury). I am a health coach, crazy cat lady (currently lacking cats), and super passionate about derby, rock climbing, and lifting. I like writing about derby a lot. And a lot of you have enjoyed my blogs over the years!
And now I need some help with keeping Khaos Theory alive. There are two ways that you could help. One is by going to my PATREON campaign! You can support the blog directly by donating every time I post something. The second is by visiting http://www.gofundme.com/khaosACL and picking out a great reward for you or your team, and also sharing the link.
But let’s remember why you would want to:
Perspective Shift challenged the way you thought about weight lifting in your off skates programs. The Four Corners of Derby gave your league some ideas on how to deal with different skill levels of training. You learned some training moves for both blockers and jammers. There was that time that you found a piece about alcohol and its effect on athletes it made you think twice about binge drinking on the weekends. And when your league was going through another meltdown, you read about League Rebuilding, and realized you weren’t alone. And remember when I did all those “HIT & QUIT” features of our MRDA athletes? You were so excited to see someone who doesn’t always get attention, get a little bit of love!
I need to get an ACL brace so that I can progress in my PT and get back on skates in June, before RollerCon. I need a vehicle so I can coach, and also so I can get back to my own training so I’m always bringing the best content to my readers and students.
It has given us the power to stay behind a keyboard and throw hurtful words and opinions without the repercussion of seeing the emotion of the receiving end. Then we have our mainstream media, who like to shove images down our throats of ‘perfection’.
Ok, so let’s think this through. Mainstream media wants us all to be thin and encourages a culture of FAT SHAMING – if someone is overweight then they are looked on differently than others and even the media eye captures them differently. Think of the plot points of “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” or “Drop Dead Diva”. The ‘unattractive’ character was slightly heavier than her counterpoint. (That being said, media seems to equate weight with intelligence – especially based on these two examples so I guess it’s not possible to be thin and smart).
Not really seeing the “ugly” in this character…
Right, so Fat Shaming on social media has been huge over the years; especially when it comes to the faceless, uneducated masses taking on celebrities or athletes that are not their vision of ideal. Need examples? Go search #FatShamingWeek to see a hodgepodge of the satire and serious.
Recently I have noticed a shift.
We are so over-reactionary now about someone who might possibly be “fat shaming” someone else, that social media has taken another ugly turn into FIT SHAMING.
What is Fit Shaming?
Ever had a friend make a declaration of positive change on Facebook only to be met with their ‘friends’ telling them they’re doing things wrong, they look fine, or not to worry about what the scale says? This is the surface.
Remember this controversy?
The internet went ablaze at this physically fit woman who was making a point. The blasted her for fat shaming, and, in turn, they were FIT shaming. “How dare you exercise when you have three kids?” But that was her point – anyone can find an excuse to not be fit and healthy. She did not find excuses and, despite having three children, here she is: trim, healthy and able to fully enjoy the lives of her sons.
Since I’m on a roll of past media explosions of fit shaming, let’s go with this one:
Watch out. Here is another irresponsible woman who is lifting weights. (Oh and she happens to be pregnant.) “Crossfit Mom” stirred the waters of Fit Shaming when photos of her clean and jerk started circulating the amongst the trolls of the internet. Though she stated that she was cleared by her doctor for exercise, and her weights were low, the fit shamers needed to let her know that she was a horrible person. Let’s also remember that she had been on a Crossfit routine for a long time before her pregnancy. She didn’t take up lifting when she found herself 7months pregnant.
Alright, now let’s move into some personal experiences I’ve had.
Everyone knows that I’m an Herbalife Health Coach. I have a lot of friends that utilize healthy eating programs like I do, in combination with exercise. Do things go astray sometimes? Yes. Do we have to recommit once in a while? Yes.
In the past 2 days I have seen 3 separate instances of good friends of mine (some on Herbalife, some not) being shamed about their decision to become healthier.
I understand that the friends who were commenting thought they were coming from a good place. When looking deeper at some of the comments, I realized there was a lot of projection going on.
“Don’t do that. It’s a diet. It’s a fad. You’re just going to fail.”
“I used to be an athlete and I know you’re doing it wrong.”
“You look fine. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
“Herbalife is a hoax, you’re going to get fat.”
“You work out a lot. You don’t need to change your eating.”
How dare you portion your meals and have a delicious shake?
Right, so those comments are just abridged versions of what I have gotten from a handful of social media sites from my friends’ pages. I also had a friend from Philly post a status about the negativity she’s been feeling ever since she rebooted her program. Not cool. I have been on my journey for over 10 years now. I have endured a lot of hurt and anger over what people have said to me. Here’s a sampling:
“You workout too much.”
“You’re obviously anorexic.”
“Stop exercising. You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“It’s weird that you take that many vitamins”
“You’re being selfish.”
[on a picture of a healthy meal] “Gross. Can’t you put chocolate on that to make it taste good?”
“Muscles are ugly”
“No one will marry you if you lift weights, they’ll all think you’re scary.” (This is why I have my #StrongIsSexy tag)
“You’re stupid for drinking so much water. You don’t need that much.”
“You’re stupid for eating so much protein.”
“You’re getting dyke-ey.”
Photo by Down N Out
“You should be working, not working out.”
“You make me feel lazy.”
“You’re obsessed.”
“You’re too intimidating.”
I’ve also been tagged in many photos of unhealthy habits where the other party seems to be BRAGGING about the unhealthy meal. And when I have put up messages about joining my healthy journey, I have gotten remarks about “Can I do it and eat Oreos?” and other comments along those lines.
Should I keep going? It’s hard to go back through the memory banks and pull these out. I end up commenting on threads and conversations that I should probably stay out of because I don’t want any of my friends to hear these words from people they love and respect. No one should be told that their healthy choice is bad. No one should feel like wanting more energy and life is an insult to others.
Again, sometimes it is meant to come from a place of caring and support, but our phrasing is wrong. I know that I have a very bad reaction whenever someone tells me about the great juice diet they’re about to do for 45 days. No one is perfect, but we need to have an awareness of our words and feelings.
These negative comments come from a place of self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, inability to look at oneself to make healthy changes, or even from a simple misunderstanding of what a healthy lifestyle looks like. Those around us will look at what we are doing and see what they are NOT doing, become defensive, and sometimes go on the attack. The projection ends up on our social media and in passive aggressive conversation in day to day life. It happens all the time, and we are ok with it. Fat shaming is not acceptable, but FIT shaming happens just as often, we just haven’t put the spotlight on it yet.
**Disclaimer: If you have a friend that seriously is not eating, has dropped an unhealthy amount of weight in a short period of time, or has a tendency to go from 0 to 120 mph on things, it’s ok to express your concern. Before you approach them with: “You’re doing this wrong”, ask them questions about what they’re doing and why. I guarantee that every human will be less defensive about your feelings if you come to them from a place of understanding, instead of a place of attacking.
So the next time your friend posts that they’re going to CrossFit for the first time, or that they are starting a running routine, or that they have a goal to lose 20 pounds – encourage them. Support them in public. Ask questions about what they’re doing and what made them go for it. If you’re already healthy, help them along the way. If you are not in a super healthy lifestyle, and you feel indignant, incredulous or any other negativity towards the idea of what your friend is doing, that’s fine. You’re allowed to have those feels. That is your choice, but do not spread the negativity and resentment onto the rest of us simply because your choice is not our choice.
For those of us in this world that are combating the negativity of loved ones on an already difficult journey, keep pushing forward. Life will continue to hit you with obstacles. You are stronger. When you are past all of it and can look back on the journey, you’ll be very glad you did not listen to the naysayers.
I have to be honest, until I booked the plane ticket I didn’t even know where Big Bear was. I had associated with (don’t laugh Next Wave people) COLORADO. There was snowboarding and big mountains in the photos … it had to be in Colorado, right? California doesn’t have mountains like that! (Geography student FAIL)
Last February Kristen Adolfi qualified for Big Bear and I saw all these photos of one hundred Herbalifers on the same team in these amazing mansions in the mountains – they were drinking healthy cocoa and becoming friends and getting a boost for their business. All I kept hearing was “This is awesome. This is so amazing.” And I made the choice that I would be there in February 2014.
So I qualified.
I found out I qualified only about a month or so before I had to be there. So the plane ticket was booked, I realized my geographical mistake and I realized that 2 major goals of 2014 was going to be checked off the list: Visit California. Qualify for something huge.
This year we only had 24 people qualify and what you had to accomplish was different (though still challenging) and what it did is that it really brought the NEXT WAVE of leaders in the Addy Organization together (Jill and Mark Addy are my AMAZING upline). So instead of being overwhelmed by 100 people I’ve never met, which may have caused me to hide in a corner and not talk to anyone, there were only 20 people I didn’t know and we all got to be friends.
Hiking. Pool. Table Tennis. Food. Shakes. Even some wine. Lumberjack Fit Club. Hot Tub. Team call from the hot tub. Olympics.
I ended up being the Fire-Tenderer because for some reason this weekend, my fear of flames subsided and my excessive need for warmth took over. I also did Warrior Pose on the edge of a drop off this weekend with Krissy Krash- and for anyone who knows me, you know I have a pretty crippling FEAR of heights. I felt it start to go away now. Maybe before it just came from my complete lack of balance…
This weekend really solidified why I work with Herbalife. It’s not just for the energy I get from my nutrition plan. Not just for the amazing way I feel after I drink my shake. It’s not just because I can set my own hours, make full time money with part-time hours or because it’s a great excuse to be fit.
No.
It’s because of the relationships I get to build and the friendships I get to create. I get to work with my best friends and I get to have best friends from every part of the world and I love it. I get to help people change their lives. I get to help people live stronger and longer. I get to help people be healthy and independent. And through doing that, I get to live stronger and longer. I get to be financially independent. I get to teach and I get to be taught. BY MY FRIENDS. I get to dream about all the things that I can accomplish with my friends.
And I can’t wait to meet my new friends in the upcoming years. Who don’t I know yet who will be like Andrea Wright? Teri Bossard? Amber Butyn? These are ladies who I didn’t meet in person before they began their nutrition plan and now I can’t imagine not having them influence my life. They are the reasons I push on and I keep doing what I’m doing.
I’m going to continue my dream of coaching and training roller derby leagues (I’m booking now, actually). I’m going to start inviting people to work out with me when I’m in Baltimore (and when I’m anywhere else). This weekend in Big Bear with new friends who are all starting out their dreams like me – it made me realize that affirmations are amazing and useful. But only if you start doing the work. So now is the time to stop making excuses and start doing the work. Keep your eyes peeled! It’s time to DO stuff and BE awesome.
She awkwardly stands up and moves to the front of the room; standing there for a moment, she shuffles her feet and looks at the floor for a moment. Then, steeling herself, she raises her gaze to the room of people gathered in front of her. These are the people she is supposed to lead and inspire; the people she is supposed to be an example and pillar of strength for.
“Hello, as you know, my name is Kristie,” she croaks.
“Hello, Kristie,” the zombie crowd responds.
She takes a breath. She looks them in the eye: “I am a food addict with a penchant for sweets.”
There. I said it. I have admitted it to the crowd. It is something I struggle with every day. It is something I fight within me. If there is food near me, I will eat it. If there is chocolate, or ice cream, or wine or sweets… I will find a reason to consume it.
For those of you now thinking, “Kristie, why is this a confession? You can eat that stuff! Look at you! You can afford it.”
This means that you are assuming I am eating healthy for the sake of a smaller number on the tags of my dresses. Not for the energy. Not to live longer. Not to be a better athlete. Being thinner is a side effect of being healthy, but it is not the only reward for me.
Being able to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded is a benefit. Not feeling like I have to nap at 3pm every day is amazing. Being at the end of an endurance practice and being able to say, “What? We’re done?” is the best feeling ever.
Nights when the addiction overcomes me is not the best feeling ever: Nights when I succumb to rich foods and chocolate cheesecakes and many glasses of alcohol cause me to make excuses. I say, “It’s ok. It’s vacation.” Or “We’re celebrating” or “It’s just tonight.” Really, the piece in the back of my head I’m saying “You just ate 1000 calories more than you should have.” Or “Your sugar count is off the charts and you didn’t work out hard today.” Or “how are you going to be faster than Burning River eating like that?”
Every day around food is a struggle for me, and most people do not realize it. I drink shakes and uber control my diet through high protein means and with the help of Herbalife. I have to be super strict on myself, not just because of my goals, but because of my habits. And the reason I look the way I do, and perform the way I do is BECAUSE I can control myself [usually]. But if I am lax on myself, and give myself an inch, is that allowing myself to be human or is that skirting responsibility? Does it do me any good to feel nothing but guilt after the fact?
So it comes to it.
I do not want to give myself too much slack, because then I could fall into the habit that I’ve seen other people fall into: They know that their threats are empty. They can eat what they want and not follow their plan and it’s ok. They’ll tell their coach that ‘they’ll do better tomorrow’ and that ‘well, that cake really won’t count.” They constantly fail and they blame the crash diet they were on, or the food they ate. Not themselves.
I will not do that. I will pay the consequences. I have let my addiction get the best of me tonight. It happens. I am human. However, that also means that tomorrow I will be doing an intense workout. As my consequence I will do strength training tomorrow as well as 100 minutes of cardio. Yes. Before we go to the Planetarium.
I will not let this defeat me.
Also, tomorrow my Herbalife shipment should be hitting the condo. (I’m at my parent’s condo visiting my baby sister this weekend) I will be fully stocked with shakes, vitamins, supplements and Hydrate. I will continue to strengthen my knee and my body and work towards my Level 10 body.
I may have been a disappointment today to the people who I am supposed to inspire, but it will not be a status long lived. Water intake, up. Goals set. Motivation ready.
I have a Fit for Summer Challenge starting up April 1 and I cannot wait to change lives. I am so pumped up to help other people who have let their addiction defeat them in the past. I am so excited to show each individual how beautiful they are. If you want in on the challenge, just contact me for info at KGreyActiveNutrition@gmail.com .
I am ready to take over the world with health and motivation. I am ready to conquer my demons. I am ready. The first step is admitting something that I have struggled to come to grips with over the course of my growth: I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sweets. I am addicted, but I am ready to change. I am willing to sacrifice. I am going to overcome and to win….
Khaos Theory Derby 