Facing down the demons

She awkwardly stands up and moves to the front of the room; standing there for a moment, she shuffles her feet and looks at the floor for a moment. Then, steeling herself, she raises her gaze to the room of people gathered in front of her. These are the people she is supposed to lead and inspire; the people she is supposed to be an example and pillar of strength for.

“Hello, as you know, my name is Kristie,” she croaks.

“Hello, Kristie,” the zombie crowd responds.

She takes a breath. She looks them in the eye: “I am a food addict with a penchant for sweets.”

There. I said it. I have admitted it to the crowd. It is something I struggle with every day. It is something I fight within me. If there is food near me, I will eat it. If there is chocolate, or ice cream, or wine or sweets… I will find a reason to consume it.

For those of you now thinking, “Kristie, why is this a confession? You can eat that stuff! Look at you! You can afford it.”

This means that you are assuming I am eating healthy for the sake of a smaller number on the tags of my dresses. Not for the energy. Not to live longer. Not to be a better athlete. Being thinner is a side effect of being healthy, but it is not the only reward for me.

Being able to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded is a benefit. Not feeling like I have to nap at 3pm every day is amazing. Being at the end of an endurance practice and being able to say, “What? We’re done?” is the best feeling ever.

Nights when the addiction overcomes me is not the best feeling ever: Nights when I succumb to rich foods and chocolate cheesecakes and many glasses of alcohol cause me to make excuses. I say, “It’s ok. It’s vacation.” Or “We’re celebrating” or “It’s just tonight.” Really, the piece in the back of my head I’m saying “You just ate 1000 calories more than you should have.” Or “Your sugar count is off the charts and you didn’t work out hard today.” Or “how are you going to be faster than Burning River eating like that?”

Every day around food is a struggle for me, and most people do not realize it. I drink shakes and uber control my diet through high protein means and with the help of Herbalife. I have to be super strict on myself, not just because of my goals, but because of my habits. And the reason I look the way I do, and perform the way I do is BECAUSE I can control myself [usually]. But if I am lax on myself, and give myself an inch, is that allowing myself to be human or is that skirting responsibility? Does it do me any good to feel nothing but guilt after the fact?

So it comes to it.

I do not want to give myself too much slack, because then I could fall into the habit that I’ve seen other people fall into: They know that their threats are empty. They can eat what they want and not follow their plan and it’s ok. They’ll tell their coach that ‘they’ll do better tomorrow’ and that ‘well, that cake really won’t count.” They constantly fail and they blame the crash diet they were on, or the food they ate. Not themselves.

I will not do that. I will pay the consequences. I have let my addiction get the best of me tonight. It happens. I am human. However, that also means that tomorrow I will be doing an intense workout. As my consequence I will do strength training tomorrow as well as 100 minutes of cardio. Yes. Before we go to the Planetarium.

I will not let this defeat me.

Also, tomorrow my Herbalife shipment should be hitting the condo. (I’m at my parent’s condo visiting my baby sister this weekend) I will be fully stocked with shakes, vitamins, supplements and Hydrate. I will continue to strengthen my knee and my body and work towards my Level 10 body.

I may have been a disappointment today to the people who I am supposed to inspire, but it will not be a status long lived. Water intake, up. Goals set. Motivation ready.

I have a Fit for Summer Challenge starting up April 1 and I cannot wait to change lives. I am so pumped up to help other people who have let their addiction defeat them in the past. I am so excited to show each individual how beautiful they are. If you want in on the challenge, just contact me for info at KGreyActiveNutrition@gmail.com .

I am ready to take over the world with health and motivation. I am ready to conquer my demons. I am ready. The first step is admitting something that I have struggled to come to grips with over the course of my growth: I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sweets. I am addicted, but I am ready to change. I am willing to sacrifice. I am going to overcome and to win….

Are you?

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